TwentyEighth Hour
by duathkaimelar
Summary: Oneshot. Ryuichi ponders over the relationship between him and Tohma, and how it has changed since the 'incident'. He questions his place in Tohma's world, though he knows it's never changed. TohmaRyuichi


**Twenty-Eighth Hour  
by ****duathkaimelar**

**Disclaimer:** Gravitation and all of the characters within belong to Maki Murakami. The title is stolen from the translations of the first line of "Predilection", which I found on The fifth flashback scene was taken from episode 12. As usual, the plot belongs to the muses and this story exists only in my sick, twisted, yaoi-infested imagination.  
**Pairing:** Tohma/Ryuichi  
**Rating:** M, for implications  
**Warnings:** Yaoi, possible OOC-ness within Ryuichi  
**Beta:** Done by Chelsea. Thanks so much, hun. This just wouldn't be the same without you.  
**Author's Notes: **I suppose this is technically anime-verse rather than manga-verse seeing as I make reference to a scene that was shown in episode 12, but it did not occur in the manga. Outside of that, however, it does not matter either way. Keep in mind this was written before I read manga volumes 11 and 12 (and possibly 10, I don't quite remember).  
Please review!

**Twenty-Eighth Hour**

Rain pelted down hard against the world outside. Throughout his apartment, the only noise to be heard was the steady rhythm of water hitting the glass windows. The sight of the rain flowing down the glass and gathering in puddles at the edge was entrancing to his sight.

Clutching Kumagorou tightly to his chest and pulling up the sheets for warmth, he turned away from watching the steady rainfall and back to the figure lying next to him in bed, his head buried in the pillow and his right arm clutching Ryuichi's waist.

Usually he snored. Never very loudly unless his insomnia was particularly bad or he was highly stressed; instead it was a soft, rhythmic sound that calmed Ryuichi's mind and heartbeat. Tonight, however, he was silent, wrapped up in what Ryuichi hoped was a deep sleep. Typically he did not sleep well, especially without the pills. If he even attempted to sleep at all, that is.

Ryuichi shifted to his side to run a delicate hand through silky blonde hair. Rain or not, the early morning was peaceful. He was content this morning, although not necessarily pleased with the current situation. However, he felt far more cheerful than he had been in a long time.

Ryuichi did not frequently have visitors. He was more prone to leave his own home and be the visitor himself than to receive them. When he did, it was usually Noriko. K visited sometimes, but when he wasn't at work he tried his best to spend all the time he could with his son. Tohma visited, but not as often as he once had. In fact, the last time he had been over was during Christmas of the previous year. Yet this had only occurred because his car had broken down, and Ryuichi's apartment was closer to N-G than his own home. Still, he had visited all the same.

Except for Christmas and his birthday, Tohma's visits always played out in a similar structure. Tohma usually came over before dinner, and Ryuichi would cook food for him. On occasion, Tohma would cook. Neither of them liked to order out. They would spend dinner and tea talking, but never about work. Ryuichi refused to discuss Nittle Grasper, or at least the occupation aspect, when Tohma was on a visit. He always insisted that Tohma worked too much anyway and should use his visits as a time to relax; at any rate, Ryuichi had enough of Nittle Grasper at work any day. This had remained true both before and after Ryuichi's three years in America. Anytime that Tohma visited, Ryuichi wanted to take advantage of the situation, even if Tohma _was_ slightly annoyed by the whole thing.

-------

_'You're boring, Tohma! Don't you have anything else to talk about, na no da?'_

_'Well…no, nothing of importance. Unless of course you wanted to hear about how N-G Productions is-'_

_'No! I told you, we're _not_ talking about work! You need to relax.'_

_'I'm fine.'_

_'No, you're not. Besides, what kind of friend would I be to you if you could only discuss something of importance, hm?'_

_-------_

He just didn't know how to relax. If one asked Sakuma Ryuichi what Seguchi Tohma's greatest flaw was, Ryuichi would definitely answer that he was too uptight.

Of course, Tohma had not always been quite as uptight as he was at the present. Naturally he had been far more friendly and open, at least to Ryuichi, before the 'incident'. Back then Tohma was always glad to talk to Ryuichi about Eiri, or the situation with Mika, or any other matters he dubbed personal, but not private. He was also more prone to discuss completely random, nonsensical topics with Ryuichi, like how people could be compared to winter jackets, or where colors go, or why raindrops always fall in a diagonal.

After the incident, Ryuichi was still random and silly, of course, and Tohma was content to let him act as such, but he was almost never a participant in such discussions. Tohma had mentioned once before as to why he refused to engage in pointless conversation, but all Ryuichi could remember was that he had blocked most of the speech out as he had been highly upset by it.

Occasionally they would watch TV together, but neither of them were a big fan of it and therefore it quickly became background noise. There were some nights when Ryuichi would reveal his childish, playful side; in those instances, Tohma would simply sit and continue talking with Ryuichi while the latter drew pictures, and Tohma would always honestly critique them and wait patiently as Ryuichi fixed them. Ryuichi knew it was childish, but it didn't bother him in the least, since Tohma never mentioned anything regarding the matter. He simply sat back and let Ryuichi be whoever he wanted to.

Tohma would never know how much Ryuichi loved him for that.

-------

_'Tohma!'_

_'Yes, Ryuichi-san?'_

_'Sit on the couch. Look natural, na no da. And be still.'_

_  
'All right, but why?'_

_'I'm going to sketch you.'_

_'But, Ryuichi-san-'_

_'No buts, Tohma! Kumagorou's not a good poser, and it's too difficult to draw myself all the time, na no da. So you'll have to do. I have to draw you shining, Tohma! I have pictures of me shining, and pictures of Shuichi shining, even Noriko-chan, but not you. That's not right.'_

_-------_

On those nights when Ryuichi was playful, after dinner, tea, drawing and games, Tohma would either return home or stay, depending on how late it was. Ryuichi preferred it when Tohma stayed, not only because he rarely had company but mainly due to the fact that Ryuichi _knew_ that Tohma would sleep at his house. Upon Ryuichi's insistence, Tohma slept in his bed and Ryuichi slept on the floor right next to him, curled up with Kumagorou.

He remembered how different things had been before the incident once again, but chose to not think about it. It brought tears to his eyes, and Kumagorou told him that it wasn't healthy to think about it. So he pushed memories of before the incident back into the farthest depths of his mind, and returned to his musing of how things were now.

Unfortunately these nights of playfulness were few and far between. Far more likely was for Tohma to come visit at the worst possible moments in regards to Ryuichi's demeanor. Although there had been a few times that Tohma came over to visit because he had been worried about Ryuichi, it was more often at random, unexpected intervals.

Visiting Ryuichi was one of the few things that Tohma did spontaneously. Also unfortunately, these dark nights were typical of days both before and after the incident, which is perhaps why they were far more painful than they should have been.

Although Tohma never questioned nor made fun of Ryuichi for his childish mask, he was also one of the few people Ryuichi felt comfortable letting go in front of. There were some days when everything was simply too much for him.

On those days they would still have dinner and tea, and continue to talk about anything in the world except work, as well as engage in pointless observations about rain, although they would usually reflect on the past days of their career. Events that had already occurred didn't count as discussing work in Ryuichi's mind.

Sometimes Ryuichi spoke with Tohma about what troubled him. More often it was implied. Rather than play games and draw, they sat in silence or discussed darker topics. There had been occasions when Ryuichi had spoke completely in riddles and metaphors and Tohma spent the night attempting to figure out just what he had been trying to say.

Tohma always wound up staying those nights. The silences never lasted. Perhaps it was because one was attempting to comfort the other, or perhaps it was both of them that needed the comforting. Before long Ryuichi would find himself in Tohma's lap with their lips locked together. Before the end of the night they would both be wrapped up in Ryuichi's red silk bed sheets. It was the one time Ryuichi intentionally lay Kumagorou face down on the floor, insisting he not witness such a thing.

-------

_'Tohma…stop…'_

_'Why?'_

_'Well…'_

_  
'You can't come up with a reason, can you?'_

_'Tohma-'_

_'Shhh. Don't worry. Don't think. Just feel.'_

_'I-'_

_'Don't lie to me, Ryuichi-san. Don't lie to yourself. You want this. I can feel it.'_

_-------_

Neither of them would ever speak of it the next morning. It was no different than it had been before the incident, actually; before Eiri had become the explanation for Tohma's very existence.

Before the incident Tohma had visited frequently. His normal schedule was three times a month, perhaps more depending on his schedule. It almost always ended up in the same thing. Even when they didn't wind up curled around each other after sex, there were enough memories of feather-light kisses to call it close enough.

Ryuichi questioned why, at first. Tohma never gave him a straight answer, so he stopped asking. He appreciated the time he got instead.

The visits stopped for sixth months after Tohma and Eiri had returned to Japan after the incident. Ryuichi had been heartbroken, but knew better than to ask. The first Thursday of the seventh month Tohma came again, tears flowing down his cheeks and his skin pale. Nothing happened that night. Ryuichi had led him to bed and held him in his arms, desperate to calm him. All through the night he had promised himself that he would ask Tohma just what was going on in the morning.

It never happened. Perhaps it was because he was too afraid to ask. Perhaps it was because he was more concerned with simply being there for Tohma. He decided it was alright, however, because Tohma's visits started again. He only visited once a month, maybe twice. Still, it was alright. Ryuichi could take it in stride.

He had expected it to completely stop after he married Mika. When it did not, Ryuichi was ecstatic, until Tohma made it clear he still wanted it all to remain the same. The first time Tohma kissed him, Ryuichi pushed him away. It didn't stop Tohma at all. He simply let it continue.

Ryuichi never did so with complete will. Of course, Tohma would never have gone very far knowing that Ryuichi did not want it. Tohma always went through with the activities because he _knew_ that Ryuichi wanted it. Ryuichi was never able to resist him.

But in Ryuichi's mind, he _knew_ that such acts were wrong. He wanted no part in Tohma's affairs when he was married. It was bad enough that he had married Mika while still in love with Eiri, the man shouldn't be having an affair with one of his closest friends, either.

-------

_'Tohma. We have to stop.'_

_'….'_

_'Tohma!'_

_'I'm not listening to you.'_

_'Tohma, please, don't-'_

_'Ryuichi-san, what have I always told you?'_

_'Huh?'_

_'Have I not always told you not to lie to yourself?'_

_'Well…yes…'_

_'So, don't. I know that you want this. Right?'_

_'Well, yes…I do. But, Tohma, we really shouldn't…'_

_'Be quiet and let me kiss you.'_

_-------_

Kumagorou told him not to worry about it too much. Kumagorou told him that Mika probably knew, or at least had some idea, and was seemingly fine with it. Kumagorou told him that Mika most likely knew how Tohma felt about Eiri. Ryuichi tried to tell poor Kuma-chan that Mika was okay with such only because Eiri is her little brother, but Kumagorou did not to listen.

His three years in America had been absolute torture without the visits. Sometimes Tohma's visits had been all Ryuichi lived on. Tohma was one of his very few close friends, and also his one object of affection, if he was completely honest with himself. When he left, he had not been on the best terms with Tohma, but they certainly were not on the worst.

Ryuichi had half-hoped that Tohma would come out to visit him at least once. It never happened. If Ryuichi was a different kind of person, he would have let the anger and pain that was brought to him by this build into hatred for the other man by the time he returned to Japan three years later. But since Ryuichi was a laid-back, go-with-the-flow kind of person, he was upset, although he tried not to take it personally. It was extremely hard to do.

He had to mean _something_ to Tohma, right? But that was all right. He was probably just busy.

Kumagorou told him it was because Tohma was still busy trying to help Eiri rebuild his life. That it had nothing to do with himself and _everything_ to do with Mika and Eiri. Ryuichi knew that Kumagorou was right, but he never listened entirely.

When he returned to Japan, he was so happy to see Tohma that he completely did away with his plans to act bitter and full-on glomped the blonde man.

Tohma never mentioned his lack of presence in Ryuichi's life for the past three years, so in response Ryuichi decided to remain silent as well.

It wasn't like he truly needed to say anything, anyhow. Tohma knew how he felt. Tohma always knew.

Tohma had visited him late one night shortly after his return to Japan, after he had traveled to New York to take care of Eiri only to be rejected harshly.

Similar to Tohma's first visit after the incident, nothing really happened. Tohma shook in Ryuichi's arms for long time, occasionally whispering fragments that reflected his broken heart. Ryuichi had known from the start, of course, that hidden deep within Tohma was a jealously towards Shuichi and a deep scar from when he had to face the truth that Eiri did not need him, but Tohma had never come to him for it. Tonight, he had, and Ryuichi was determined to comfort him. He was determined to make Tohma realize how important he still was.

There wasn't much Ryuichi could do about it, of course, besides to simply be there. He had not spoken that night save for meaningless words of comfort, mainly because Tohma had wanted the quiet. Just before he had convinced Tohma to sleep and he curled the blonde into his arms he had sung 'Be There' to him, which seemed soothing enough.

Ryuichi was far from unobservant. Sometimes he believed he knew Tohma better than Mika and Eiri; he knew Tohma was always strong for Eiri, and he doubted that he ever went to Mika directly with his pain, though he knew the two discussed Eiri frequently.

It was because of this that he knew no words he offered would heal Tohma of his pain. He settled for being there instead. There was once when he had offered words of reassurance, because he had known no other way to express himself. Also for just that one time, his words seemed to have the desired effect.

-------

_'Is Tohma sleepy-sleepy? You have to sleepy-sleepy in a bed or you won't get any rest.'_

_'Ry-Ryuichi-san?'_

_'No! I'm Kumagorou, na no da!'_

_'I'm sorry, that's right.'_

_'Kumagorou is sleepy-sleepy too, na no da. Well, good night na no da, Tohma!'_

_'Tohma! You're an important member of Nittle Grasper! Don't you forget that, na no da!'_

_-------_

After that, the last visit Tohma had made was on Christmas that year. It had not been for very long, because they had already exchanged gifts at N-G's Christmas party (Ryuichi and Shuichi had insisted upon it, of course) and he promised Mika that he would spend most of the day with her.

Ryuichi had been playful that day. There was never any room for an uncomfortable environment.

The previous night was his first visit since then. Ryuichi had little time to be apprehensive, because the visit was unexpected. The initial worry began when he noticed Tohma, soaking wet from the rain, standing by his door as he passed. Once Tohma was in dry clothes, an unsettling feeling had clenched in his gut.

Ryuichi wanted to shout. He wanted to tell Tohma everything. At the same time, he wanted to completely disregard the fact that something was different.

Ryuichi knew that Tohma had never loved him like he loved Eiri. Still, he had been important to Tohma back in the days before the incident, and he desperately wished to be that important to him now. Ryuichi would never ask for anything else.

Eventually he had begun to say something, but Tohma had shaken his head and pressed their lips together.

Ryuichi clutched Kumagorou tighter to his body. His hand paused, still entangled in a mass of blonde hair. Visions of the previous night flashed through his mind. Silky shirts, leather pants, cotton socks. Lips against his spine, making his very soul quiver…

Kumagorou's ears dropped against his body.

_No._

Kumagorou told him it was better not to think about it. Kumagorou told him that he would be happier that way. That it would hurt less. Ryuichi knew Kumagorou was right. He knew that when Tohma woke up this morning, nothing would have changed.

Just like the last time.

He doubted that Tohma would even want to discuss what had happened during those three years.

When had the last time been when Tohma actually had cared?

_Don't think about it._

Back before the incident, Ryuichi held hope nestled deep inside of him that one day, Tohma would return the feelings for him that he held so strongly. The hope dwindled after many nights of passion that were never once mentioned outside of the world they created on said nights, but he still had hope. He knew that he would never give up until he had sufficient reason.

As far as Ryuichi was concerned, Eiri was a sufficient reason to give up. Seeing how much Eiri meant to Tohma and knowing that he was married to Mika was sufficient enough.

Kumagorou yelled at him for being a quitter. Ryuichi didn't listen.

He didn't need to. His love for Tohma always betrayed him, even when his body did not. He could not hold himself back when Tohma visited. One night scattered throughout a month or two was enough.

It had to be. It had to be enough to know that Tohma cared because he _did_ come back. If Tohma didn't care, he wouldn't bother.

Right?

Ryuichi carefully squirmed out of position, careful not to wake Tohma as his arm fell from around Ryuichi's waist.

He placed Kumagorou on the nightstand, moved off of the bed, and walked towards the door of his room to make some breakfast.

'Ryuichi-san.'

_Please don't call me that. It becomes entirely fake when you call me that. Why can't you at least give me an illusion?_

He turned back.

'I'm sorry.'

-------

_They lay tangled up in the sheets, their bodies curled around each other. Ryuichi's arms were placed tightly around Tohma's back, his head resting under Tohma's chin. Tohma stroked Ryuichi's hair lazily, his eyes half-shut._

_'Tohma…I love you…'_

_He could feel the blonde freeze up. His hand stilled in his hair. His heartbeat slowed. _

_  
Ryuichi himself froze up when he realized what he had just spoken aloud. Ryuichi's arms fell away from Tohma's body. The blonde man used that opportunity to move off of the bed, one hand on his forehead and the other running through his hair._

_Ryuichi wanted to say something, anything, but he could not. His body was paralyzed and he could not get his so wonderfully conditioned vocal cords to produce a single sound aside from a whimper._

_Fear tore away at his heart when Tohma turned back to him after what seemed like years. He was shocked to find tears brimming in Tohma's eyes rather than anger. He expected repulsion, at the very least._

_'To-Tohma…listen, I-'_

_He held up his hand._

_'It's not like you should apologizing for feeling this way, Ryuichi. You can't help it…'_

_It was the one time Tohma called him by his name, without the honorifics. Ryuichi had been pushing Tohma for years to drop the '-san' for '-kun', at the very least…_

_'I wasn't going to apologize. Just give you a proper explanation. I don't expect you to feel the same way for me.'_

_'If it wasn't for Eiri-san-'_

_'I know.'_

_Tohma moved forward and pulled Ryuichi into a tight embrace. Tears flowed freely from two pairs of eyes. Ryuichi clung to Tohma in response, sobbing into his chest, desperate for some way to stop the pain that was already tearing his heart directly in half..._

_Neither of them spoke for a long time. When the silence finally was broken, it was only by two brief words in Tohma's soft voice before he gathered up his coat to leave._

_'I'm sorry.'_

_-------_

Ryuichi stared at Tohma for a moment. He stared at the sight of disheveled blonde hair and emerald eyes filled with sleep and sorrow, of his silk red bed sheets falling around Tohma's half-clothed body. He looked back to emerald eyes.

Tohma stared back for a moment, then turned his eyes towards the rain.

Ryuichi choked up before shaking his head.

He turned away.

**End**


End file.
